The Jungle of Fenchurch East
by Jazzola
Summary: Chris decides to make a nature documentary based on Fenchurch East CID. Hilarity, danger and some frankly alarming occurrences ensue. T for the ending, and Galex if you squint a little.


Testing… testing… one, two- oh shit, it's recordin'! 'Ow do you delete? Oh yeah, you edit it later. Er… what was it again? Oh, right! Er… Ladies and gentlemen, I am Christopher Skelton, and for your benefit- to make this docu- documun- programme, I have ventured today into possibly one of the most dangerous places on this good green earth- the terrifying jungle of Fenchurch East. Inhabited by wild creatures from as far afield as the wild, barren land of Manchester, Fenchurch East is widely renounted- reowned- known for being a land of violence and dangerous preda- um, what was it Shaz said? Predators. A land of violence and dangerous predators, where the unwary will almost certainly come to grief. As I speak now, one of the lesser predators, the Lesser Moustached Sergeant, is devow- devouring its prey in a hunting area known as Interview Room 3. It is doubtful whether the creature will make it out alive- or at least with both its balls still attached. Thankfully, Fenchurch East is fairly quiet for the moment, since its leader- the legendary Detectivus Chiefus Inspectorus- and his mate, the big-ti- I mean very attractive- Higher Heeled Inspectorus, are not in yet, possibly resting from a hunt last night, known as a stake-out.

As I speak, possibly the most attractive species currently to inhabit Fenchurch East has arrived, known as the Lesser Uniformed Shaz _(hi, Chris, why've you got Ma'am's Dictaphone?) _and is talking to myself! Um, just wanted ter, yer know, record some thoughts. Just, yer know, ter send ter my parents. Life down 'ere, yer know. _(Don't use up the 'ole tape, baby, she'd 'ate that.) _I won't… *pause* and the encounter is over! I have survived unscay- unscather- unhurt from one of the closest encounters possible with the Lesser Uniformed Shaz, who as I now record is beginning to use a device named a typewriter, placed in Fenchurch East for the purpose of the Lesser Uniformed Shaz's use throughout the day before she hunts in the evening. Her attention has now turned back to me _(Lesser Uniformed Shaz?) _er, no, didn't mean you, Shazza… *sound of running* I am now hiding in the small jungle annexe known as the kitchenette, so as not to in- in- make the Lesser Uniformed Shaz angry.

The kitchenette appears to be the main feasting place for the varied species of the jungle- we have here half a Battenburg cake- must've been Drake, er, I mean the Higher Heeled Inspectorus- mm, nice. *sound of munching* Oh, shit, I've got crumbs all over the Dictaphone… *crackling sound* She'll never notice. I will now check round the corner, to see if it is clear for me to return to the main hunting area- yes, the Lesser Uniformed Shaz is now engrossed in her typewriter and we shall return to the danger, but remain in the canteen, so as to observe the activities around us undisturbed. Also, the creatures may mistake my behaviour for that of the Higher Heeled Inspectorus, leading to agg- aggre- aggregation towards me known by the term of 'calling me a div'.

Coming in now a few minutes late and looking relieved to see that the Detectivus Chiefus Inspectorus is away is the creature known as the More Moustached Bammo, whose legendary facial hair has been known to frighten small creatures to death. He is approaching his desk and has retrieved a much-used copy of _Nuts _magazine, which here in the jungle appears to be one of the most popular activities for when the creatures not out hunting are idle. Approaching him now is the Lesser Pervy Terry, who is now claiming ownership of the magazine in what could become a ferocious fight over it… but it would appear that the More Moustached Bammo has bribed the Lesser Pervy Terry with a Garibaldi stolen from the office of the Detectivus Chiefus Inspectorus- a huge prize from a brief hunt known as 'popping in to find some files from wherever the Guv's thrown them'. The Garibaldi is now eaten and the More Moustached Bammo is becoming angry due to the crumbs the Lesser Pervy Terry has got all over his desk and the magazine, and even a few in the facial hair the More Moustached Bammo is so protective of- this could mean war- it is a tense moment-

Thankfully the situation has been dif- diffu- made better by the Lesser Moustached Sergeant's arrival- and some good news for the creatures who have been hunting alongside him to have the Smaller Todgered Thief currently in Interview Room 3 sent down, as the Smaller Todgered Thief, under threat of losing what little todger he has, has confessed to stealing several hundred pounds' worth of cash from a post office. The atmosphere is now more relaxed, to the point of the More Moustached Bammo handing the _Nuts _magazine back to the Lesser Pervy Bammo while he goes to get a pie from the secondary hunting ground used mainly for food, known as the canteen. Many lesser creatures known as PCs flock to this area for food, so the More Moustached Bammo will need to use his superiority over these PCs to get the best food by being at the front of the queue.

But just as he makes to stand up- there is a sudden hush over the whole jungle… *pause* …because the legendary Detectivus Chiefus Inspectorus and his mate, the Higher Heeled Inspectorus, have arrived.

The Detectivus Chiefus Inspectorus stops, looks round the jungle, surveys his territory- all these creatures are under his command, and he knows it. He wears special claws on his hind legs known as 'snakeskin cowboy boots', used for intimidating prey and occasionally for stepping on the feet of the Lesser Moustached Sergeant to stop him allowing prey to slip free. This creature is able to take down three of the prey known as 'blaggers' with one punch from those powerful front paws- he is also well-known for being incredibly attractive to females, such as the female Higher Heeled Inspectorus he has now mated with in secret. She has gone straight to her hunting ground preparation area, known as 'Drake's desk', and is exchanging greetings with the Lesser Uniformed Shaz, with whom she is very friendly, since there is no competition for mates. The Detectivus Chiefus Inspectorus turns to make an announcement… _(Where the bloody 'ell is Chris? Kitchenette, Guv, but 'e's doin' somethin' a bit strange-) _Ah shit! *sound of running and crackling*

What the bloody 'ell? Drake's Dictaphone?

_I was looking for that, Chris!_

_ Er, yeah, sorry, ma'am. Guv's got it now._

It's still bloody recordin'! The thoughts of Chris Skelton, this should be entertaining-

_Ah, no, Guv, don't, please don't-_

* * *

><p>"Well, I thought it was quite imaginative. Better than you could come up with, Gene."<p>

"Is that a challenge, DI Drake?"

"Yes, go on. I make it a challenge. Ray, don't you think it might be about time to take the sign off Chris' neck?"

"'E called me the Lesser Moustached Sergeant!"

"He did say sorry."

"Leave it, Bolls, it's an improvement on what 'e normally wears."

"A sign saying 'Bum me, I'm a div'. How highly original, you lot. Oh for God's sake, Gene, that wasn't a compliment, so stop preening."

"I am not 'preening'."

"What on _earth _is going on in here?"

"Ah… sir. Good morning…"

"All DI Drake's idea, sir…"

"Gene, you bastard! Get here!"

"OW!"

* * *

><p>AN: Hope you enjoyed my random little offering! It made my lovely beta XTimeGirlX laugh, so that's enough for me. Thank you muchly, lovely beta. Extra Gene for you this week, methinks. :D Please remember to review, and you might get extra Gene too! When TimeGirl can spare him, naturally. Sorry about that, but he's got a hectic schedule fitting the both of us in. Jazzola :D


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